extinct feelings remain perpetually extinct

Why does someone has to sacrifice,
When sacrificed enough…..

Why cn’t I be greedy for once,
The thing that I desire the most,
That thing that I can be happily content with,
For lifetime…

Is there someone I am waitin for?
or someone i have to sacrifice again for what He desires?
(self-written)

[well,the thing that i'm bout to write down right now might take a lil bit of ur time...not that i wanted to write smthin for the blog,but whatever will be inscribed below,has happened today in the evening with me so i thought of sharing it with u all....addition to this,this post is a bit different frm wat i had been writtin b4 ...hope i dn't get u bored...i've written it in a poetic manner,so its got a lil longer]


Lying on my bed,
With the coffee next to me….

Minutes later,
The cup gets empty and I switch on my system which starts playin Beethoven’s,“Mir ist so wuderbar” (quartet) fidelio.
The music,is haunting and is keeping my thinking alive,
alive enough to get suffocated by what its doin to me…
I get carried away but I still havn’t stopped thinking….

But thinking bout what? It’s vague,but yes I can feel the moment, that I’m thinking in,
The moment is talking to me…

It talks,
And talks to me ardently bout how beautiful the moment is,
And how love can make someone even more beautiful…to which I ignore,not knowing why…

Thinking then,
Thinking now,
I just keep thinking bout various things and yet they r still so indistinguishable…
But suddenly my phone rings…

I pick it up and this smile comes on to my face without knowin the caller’s identity.
Thinking bout whether is the same person that I was thinking bout to wich I cudn’t decide of wat I was thinking bout…but then,that smile that came upon, wilts away…

The caller is the person who calls me often expressin his love to me and askin me to accept it…

Seconds later,he’s still on the phone waiting for my reply,but I’m speechless,not that I’m thrilled to hear for I shud be,but dn’t know why it died away, that excitement ,to be in love…
I go blank not knowin wat to say,for I’m indecisive for my heart is telling me..For what am I craving for…and if its there in front me with the proposal,I just cn’t decide…
I instantly go blank….just blank..

Something that I always wanted, to be with someone, but ignorance overpowers it leavin me uncertain of wat I want…so,another time,I refuse his love and the phone hangs up on me…telling me how cruel I am to someone who loves me so much,but how do I explain that its my weakness that’s takin control of me….
Weakness of not being able to decide of wat i want.....

“why did I do that?”, I ask myself that question again and again,but alas!!its ends up with no reason at all…

the same music is playin,and I try to divert my attention…..
I lie on my bed,tryin to read smthin,but my eyes are set on the string of shells which are hangin infront of my curtain that a dear frnd of mine gifted to me…
that red curtain with lil yellow flowers on it…how pretty it looks with that string hangin and the darkness of the evening set behind that window,with the curtain on…

They all dance to the music,the string of shells,the red curtain and the dark evening…they seem to be happy and thus,are dancing …and so does the peacock's feather which is touchin the curtain…
it amazes me,for everything that the music is touchin, are dancing...
right from the shell to the foot of the feather…
to me,it looks like they all are dancing for celebration…celebration to wat…”they r dancing cos they are in love…for everythin that touches them,are touched with love,the beauty of love.”this is wat the moment tells me,when whisperin into my ignorant ears…

I stand infront of the mirror,observing myself..seein if there’s anything that’s touchin me too…the hair that’s hanging down my shoulder,the tear drop that’s comin frm the corner of my eye,my senses that’s touchin my skin….
the soul that’s touchin my heart…

I’ve been ignorin for days…but how cud I do it now…for I’m standin infront of own self…my reflection that’s staring back at me with no hatredness but with smthin that’s makin me look more beautiful…the smile comes again…but again,I cn’t reason out why…

But when that person calls again,minutes later,thinking I have an answer after that lil break…that smile…..it fades…fades away in the aura of moment that was speakin to me…to wich I cud sense I was enjoyin the most..that ecstasy that got into me and got me high…far above the ground,that almost got my wings out.and when I was bout flap them,it got cut….with the sound of the phone and then of the caller’s voice….
He asked me again to contemplate on smthin that I was refusing….
and there....once again,I lost out to my strength,cudn’t gather my own-self….the agony of the blankness got over…..takin control of me…but still had no reason to all this mess that was comin instantly,and ended up sayin that I cn’t decide….not indecisive on whether to accept his love or not,but indeicisve on wat my heart wants….
I sketch then....but if only I cud sketch wat I want….what I desire for….
but unfortunately,my imagination betrays me and so does my skill for I’m not all that gr8 in sketchin…
funny,ironically funny…

feelings...extinct...are gradually becomin.......PERPETUAL!!!!!

SILENCE..................

SILENCE IS EASY,
BUT DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH..

EASY TO DEPEND ON,
BUT CRAZY ENOUGH TO INITIATE..

BEAUTIFUL TO LOOK AT,
BUT A STRETCH TO AN EPITOMICAL APPOCALYPSE..

POCKETED CONVINIENTLY,
BUT HIDDEN HIDEAOUSLY..

MAKES U SANE,
MAKES U INSANE..

ANONYMOUSLY FAMOUS,
JOBLESSLY VIOLENT..

NEEDS TO BE SEARCHED,
HAPPILY ISOLATED..

FLICKING ONE,
AND DABBING THE OTHER..

THUS,
SILENCE FOR SOME,
CRIME FOR ANOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!

(self-written)

"SCREAM OF THE BUTTERFLIES"

This what I write about our fair sisters, my frnds…who r in trouble…who r insecured…and for those who r undergoing trauma, and the deepest shit of all…

for them,I dedicate this…and this is all I have… ‘a poem’….[dn’t know whether u’ll like it]but its the my way of showin my deepest concern and sharing what "u’ve" been through…
the muse….urs,mine and ours….the muse,who’s now sick…not with her fever but with the ones diagonised with it and are spreadin it like a rapid fire….

Dn’t u hear that gentle scream…that scream,its loud but soft,soft enough to fade….and this is what she says,


“they’ve spun a web for me….they’ve spun a web for me…”[frm Coldplay’s ‘Trouble’]




SICK MUSE

Muse,my muse,
Why do u give that dose……
I didn’t give any dose
They made me a dose,
Dose to sicken myself!!

Muse,my muse,
Why do u give so much of love…..
I tried to give love
But it turned away,
Turned away to give me hatredness!!

Muse,my muse,
Why do u attract us so much…..
I do it for love
But the attraction gave me,
Gave me an edge towards ugliness!!

Muse,my muse,
Where r u goin??
I’m not goin anywhere
But I’ve been dragged……..
Dragged and dragged and dragged…
till my heart bleeds…
But I’m dragged and dragged…..
Dragged to the world of darkness and insult!!

Muse,my muse,
what's ur state now??
i'm happy....
happy when I’m entangled in the world of dreams,
But sad,
and sadness is what I’m living with,
When realism gets me entangled in the world of deception!!!!!!

Muse,my muse,
Why do still inspire us, dear muse…….
I inspire them to do good,
But my followers get wronged...Incited to reciprocate the ‘good’ !!!!!!!!

I’m no more honored,
But stripped,insulted,abused,molested and sold…
Yes sold to the evilness.…
Till my time comes to a stand-still…

I’m no more ur muse,
For I’ve been contaminated
By the wickedness of this world…

No more..no more…is ur muse!!
Neither is she living,
Nor she’s dead…
Only I’m sick,
Sick of the torture….

Can someone help me???
Help me regain my strength….
Strength only to face my Judgement Day….
For I’ll be happy to see my sickness ending…
...................................along with my life!!!!
(self-written)

i now conclude my post, "SCREAMS OF THE BUTTERFLIES", with the help of few lines from the song,"when the music's over", sung by THE DOORS....

I hear a very gentle sound
Very near yet very far
Very soft, yeah, very clear
Come today, come today

What have they done to the earth?
What have they done to our fair sister?
Ravaged and plundered and ripped her and bit her
Stuck her with knives in the side of the dawn
And tied her with fences and dragged her down…………….

ANGEL....NO MORE!!

HUNT FOR THEM,
HUNT NOW....
SEARCH FOR THEM,
SEARCH NOW....

FOR I FLAPP MY WINGS,
AND SET MYSELF FOR ANOTHER QUEST..

BUT THEN,
I STOP!!!
FOR I SEE,
ANOTHER STARE!!!!!!!!

(self-written)

lyrics!!!

well,i know this image is....not pleasin to look at ,infact the person looks a bit fucked up...and its bcos of this reason i picked up this image...cos if u can see,she's all dressed up but she's still sad...
my opinion on seein this image is that...she's not a misanthrophist,but she' not ready to socialise either...smthin that she used to enjoy doin,but now is scared cos of her cynicism...thats what her state of mind is....
her wrld has turned upside down,but she dzn't want to make it obvious..thus,she dzn't want to mix up...she dzn't wnt to indulge others cos then she wud feel guilty if she finds out that by comin into her wrld,they r hurt...
anyhow....leave aside the notions on the image,i wud like to jot down some lyrics of my favorites,cos i have nhtin to write right now,but i'm in the mood to wirte some...so i thought of jottin down the lyrics of 2 or 3 songs...hope u like them!!

"ppl are strange"--THE DOORS

ppl are strange,
when ur a stranger
faces look ugly,
when ur alone.
women say wicked,
when ur unwanted.
streets are uneven,
when ur down.....
when ur strange, no one remembers ur name....when ur strange,faces go out of the range...
when ur strange,when ur strange,when ur starnge.......alrite!!!!!!!

"breakin the habit"--LINKIN PARK

memories consume
like opening the wound
i'm pickin me apart again
u all assume
i'm safe here in my room
unless i try to start again......
(ch)
i dn't want to be the one
the battles always choose
cos inside i realise
that i'm the one confused

or y i hv to scream
i dn't know y i instigate
and say wat i dn't mean
i dn't how i got this way
i know its not alrite
so i'm breakin the habit............tonite!!!>

clutching my the door
i tried to catch my breath again
i hurt much more
than anytime before
i had no options left again
(ch)<>

i'll paint it on the walls
cos i'm the one at fault
i'll nvr fight again
and this is how it ends...............<>

"iris"--GOO GOO DOLLS(i only rem the ch)

and i dn't want the wrld to c me
cos i dn't think that they'll understand...
cos everyting is meant to be broken
i just want u to know who i am

"easier to run"--LINKIN PARK
(i like this song too,but the only para i like is the last one,cos it goes well ,esp with the image,and wat i'm tryin to emphasise my emotions on)

sometimes i remember
the darkness of my past......
bringing back these memories
i wish i didn't have
sometimes i think of lettin go
and nvr lookin back
and nvr movin forward so
there wud nvr be a past...........

(ch)
its easier to run..
replacing this PAIN with 'NU'MB'
its so much easier to go
than face all this PAIN here 'ALONE'!!!!!

DISINTEGRATED MOMENTS!!!

Well,guess wat,for a change I started to listen to backstreet boys today cos I got too tired of listenin to rock and trance…I used to listen to them(BSB) when I was a teen…but then,slowly and steadly,my taste started to take a gradual change,and I stopped listenin to them,completely….but today,I dn’t know,I just felt like listenin to them…
So I told my frnd to get any BSB’s cassette.she got me “millennium”…so here I am,listenin to it right now,but u know wat..it hasn’t made me feel good about it…it got me nostalgic and I started to remember my past….my past,that was so smooth,full of happiness,no problems at all….that was then…but nowwhile i'm 20yrs of age,everything has changed…
The moment that i frequently remember,while listenin to this tape,is when my dad,mom and my big bro used to come and pick me up from my boarding school,Sacred Heart School(dalhousie). I still remember how my bro and I used to fight over which music to listen to in the car….he wud yell at me and call me stupid for listenin to too much of BSB,and I wud call him borin for he was an ardent listener of Pink Floyd,bob Dylan and The Doors…and seein this my parents wud just laugh…that was then…the happy moments,but now,as I remember those moments,it makes me sad…makes me cry too…
If only I cud turn back the time….the time that I loved the most,but the truth is that my life has gone right frm the zilch,and has no further numbers to add to it…
My whole family has got disintegrated…all of them have chosen their own path to lead on their own….my dad in US,my mom in jammu(I stay with her…but I study in Delhi, pursuing my studies in journalism hons in DU),and my bro in Mumbai….everything has got disintegrated….
I try to avoid thinking about all of this….but it still gets hooked on to my head…and then,I start thinking about it endlessly…which makes me cry so loud that it fades away in the silent of darkness…I cn’t even express my emotions…have to hide it inside only to avoid makin me weak….but its only getting worse…
While I was thinking of sharing this depressin situation of mine,I didn’t know whom to turn to….i have nobody around…I’m still in touch with everyone,and talk to my family but I nvr have the guts to share all that is held up inside me…I didn’t know whom to talk to…..
so I kept thinking and finally thought of writing a blog only to make it easier for me…not that I wanted to share on purpose or ask for sympathy,just wanted to let it out….let it out to anonymous ppl without expectin any comments…
If u think my motive is wrong to share it on the blog….then all I want to say is that I’m helpless…and I’m sry for it.
A lil stuff written by me:-

PAST THAT WAS LOVELY AND BEAUTIFUL TO ME,
HAS NOW BECOME DARKNESS INSIDE ME….
AND HAS MADE ME LONELY......
WHERE DID U GO?
WHY HAS UR FLAME EXTINGUISHED?

DN’T U LOVE ME ANYMORE,
DN’T U LOVE ME AT ALL…..
THAT U HAD TO LEAVE ME ON MY OWN,
TO LEAD A PATH THAT I NVR WANTED TO WALK UPON!!!!!

ONE AND ONLY ONE QUESTION I ASK THEE….
WAS I DESTINED TO BE LIKE THIS,
WAS I ?……WAS I ?…..WAS I ?………………………

(SELF-WRITTEN)

disfiguered life!!!

cool pic,ha!!!i know
infact,it reminds u of megadeath's ususal album pics...
well,i picked this up only bcos it was apt for the title that i'm goin to write on in this blog....

"disfiguired"..wat happens when u see ur self in the mirror?
(why dn't u all see urself in the mirror first)...
how did u look like?wat r ur comments about ur FACE ...
pretty,handsome,cute..or is it ugly,weird,full of pimples and freckles.....well..u know it,but the fact that all of u know as well, who have seen their reflection,is that u r not FACELESS!!!
yesterday,i had a chance to see a french film,something that i enjoy tremendously,(all thnx to that spanish film,"motorcycyle diaries"). the film is called,"The Officer's Ward".
watchin this film,i got to a chance to see not only the exterior image(which was horrifyin),but the interior too...
the eyes of that horror stricken face tells u all...wat goes on inside the mind of the faceless man...
these soulful eyes...tells u,"along came the disfiguered soul,along came the disfiguered life...i'm crippled,i'm deaf,i'm blind...i'm the FACELESS MAN!!! frustration tells me to put a halt to humanity,respect and honour have seen me off...people dn't jst look,but gaze.."(self-written)
u start ur day by lookin in the mirror,but as candid as mirror is,can't even hide the trtuh for once to kick start the day of that of a faceless man....
i remeber these two lines,which not only evokes humour but also sympathy.The protagonist,who is disfiguered too,says while lying in the bed in the hospital,when an another patient comes in.."they r scared of me.I'm scared too."
when a frnd,a painter, comes to see him,he hets amazed to see the new look of his frnd...look that is no less scarier than the ones that we see in the horror films for entertainment.he tells him to draw him,(i still remember those words,"dessein moi",which means,"draw me"),but the frnd refuses.He tells him to go away....the frnd goes away...but truth prevails,one cannot hide the real image,the face...face that will not only haunt others,but himself too.face that will not only sicken others,but will sicken u as well ....the faceless man, the face that others would despise,but the face that the man wudn't love it either ...

when he will look into the mirror again,there will be one thought that wud come across his head, "Why didn't death come along too?"

mother!!!

well,
here i am discussing about my mama....its been 6months,i havn't seen my mother....all thnx to my studies
Today,when i got my result,i was damn upset,cos it didn't turn out to be the way i had expected.....even if i had worked my ass off,and when my mom called me up,i told her about the percent...she wasn't very hpy,but i blew it on her on the phone....i was so rude that i even had those shitty guts to even hang up on her....later on i called my frnd,and told her what happened...so while i was tellin her bout it,my mom called her not knowin i was talkin to her..so my frnd told me to hang up...
so after few mins,my mom called me up again,after all the clarifications made by my frnd....i was so lost and so confused that i went speechless and cudn't say anything gr8 to my mother....i was feelin guilty and angry,both at the same time...and was findin it all the more difficult to sort it out....but then,my mom helped me with my problem....i felt so nice about it,but then,now i didn't have the guts to even apologise now,cos i had said so much shit to her in the previous call....but i did....i was actaully upset cos i was gettin more and more clueless regarding the way my paper was gettin checked....plethora of questions were runnin in my head....so many doubts...and with all of it goin haywire,i wanted to get angry,but on whom...on the checkers...hahaha,they wud reduce my marks further ....and so,i got it all out on my mama,i felt so bad,but my mom didn't feel the way i was feelin for her...she was like,"good...atleast,u got ur anger out on someone....y were u holdin it up,inside u"....but she was equally upset,cos i began to cry,all thnx to my marks..i was feelin really bad....and i had no one to turn to...how cud i...
my dad is in america,my bro in bombay and my mom in jammu...and here i am...in delhi...all by myself...my mom was like,"its not ur fault....ur still struggling,while the rest of us have,almost, passed through that phase...it'll take time,and u'll have to bear more pain to get to where u have to....so dn't give up now...work harder for the next sem...."
what an advice...i felt relieved,however i'm still upset about my result...but this time i'll slog my ass again,right frm the scratch...hopefully, this time,i dn't get betrayed by my luck again...looks like my luck is out for vaccation...lol

but one thing is for sure,someone said it right," god cannot be everywhere,so he made mother."
i miss u a lot mama...and i love u so much,but stupid as i am.....(dn't know what to say),u know it more than me
god,thnk u...wish i cud be home at this very moment
i love u,mama