extinct feelings remain perpetually extinct

Why does someone has to sacrifice,
When sacrificed enough…..

Why cn’t I be greedy for once,
The thing that I desire the most,
That thing that I can be happily content with,
For lifetime…

Is there someone I am waitin for?
or someone i have to sacrifice again for what He desires?
(self-written)

[well,the thing that i'm bout to write down right now might take a lil bit of ur time...not that i wanted to write smthin for the blog,but whatever will be inscribed below,has happened today in the evening with me so i thought of sharing it with u all....addition to this,this post is a bit different frm wat i had been writtin b4 ...hope i dn't get u bored...i've written it in a poetic manner,so its got a lil longer]


Lying on my bed,
With the coffee next to me….

Minutes later,
The cup gets empty and I switch on my system which starts playin Beethoven’s,“Mir ist so wuderbar” (quartet) fidelio.
The music,is haunting and is keeping my thinking alive,
alive enough to get suffocated by what its doin to me…
I get carried away but I still havn’t stopped thinking….

But thinking bout what? It’s vague,but yes I can feel the moment, that I’m thinking in,
The moment is talking to me…

It talks,
And talks to me ardently bout how beautiful the moment is,
And how love can make someone even more beautiful…to which I ignore,not knowing why…

Thinking then,
Thinking now,
I just keep thinking bout various things and yet they r still so indistinguishable…
But suddenly my phone rings…

I pick it up and this smile comes on to my face without knowin the caller’s identity.
Thinking bout whether is the same person that I was thinking bout to wich I cudn’t decide of wat I was thinking bout…but then,that smile that came upon, wilts away…

The caller is the person who calls me often expressin his love to me and askin me to accept it…

Seconds later,he’s still on the phone waiting for my reply,but I’m speechless,not that I’m thrilled to hear for I shud be,but dn’t know why it died away, that excitement ,to be in love…
I go blank not knowin wat to say,for I’m indecisive for my heart is telling me..For what am I craving for…and if its there in front me with the proposal,I just cn’t decide…
I instantly go blank….just blank..

Something that I always wanted, to be with someone, but ignorance overpowers it leavin me uncertain of wat I want…so,another time,I refuse his love and the phone hangs up on me…telling me how cruel I am to someone who loves me so much,but how do I explain that its my weakness that’s takin control of me….
Weakness of not being able to decide of wat i want.....

“why did I do that?”, I ask myself that question again and again,but alas!!its ends up with no reason at all…

the same music is playin,and I try to divert my attention…..
I lie on my bed,tryin to read smthin,but my eyes are set on the string of shells which are hangin infront of my curtain that a dear frnd of mine gifted to me…
that red curtain with lil yellow flowers on it…how pretty it looks with that string hangin and the darkness of the evening set behind that window,with the curtain on…

They all dance to the music,the string of shells,the red curtain and the dark evening…they seem to be happy and thus,are dancing …and so does the peacock's feather which is touchin the curtain…
it amazes me,for everything that the music is touchin, are dancing...
right from the shell to the foot of the feather…
to me,it looks like they all are dancing for celebration…celebration to wat…”they r dancing cos they are in love…for everythin that touches them,are touched with love,the beauty of love.”this is wat the moment tells me,when whisperin into my ignorant ears…

I stand infront of the mirror,observing myself..seein if there’s anything that’s touchin me too…the hair that’s hanging down my shoulder,the tear drop that’s comin frm the corner of my eye,my senses that’s touchin my skin….
the soul that’s touchin my heart…

I’ve been ignorin for days…but how cud I do it now…for I’m standin infront of own self…my reflection that’s staring back at me with no hatredness but with smthin that’s makin me look more beautiful…the smile comes again…but again,I cn’t reason out why…

But when that person calls again,minutes later,thinking I have an answer after that lil break…that smile…..it fades…fades away in the aura of moment that was speakin to me…to wich I cud sense I was enjoyin the most..that ecstasy that got into me and got me high…far above the ground,that almost got my wings out.and when I was bout flap them,it got cut….with the sound of the phone and then of the caller’s voice….
He asked me again to contemplate on smthin that I was refusing….
and there....once again,I lost out to my strength,cudn’t gather my own-self….the agony of the blankness got over…..takin control of me…but still had no reason to all this mess that was comin instantly,and ended up sayin that I cn’t decide….not indecisive on whether to accept his love or not,but indeicisve on wat my heart wants….
I sketch then....but if only I cud sketch wat I want….what I desire for….
but unfortunately,my imagination betrays me and so does my skill for I’m not all that gr8 in sketchin…
funny,ironically funny…

feelings...extinct...are gradually becomin.......PERPETUAL!!!!!