Wednesday, August 31, 2005

extinct feelings remain perpetually extinct

Why does someone has to sacrifice,
When sacrificed enough…..

Why cn’t I be greedy for once,
The thing that I desire the most,
That thing that I can be happily content with,
For lifetime…

Is there someone I am waitin for?
or someone i have to sacrifice again for what He desires?
(self-written)

[well,the thing that i'm bout to write down right now might take a lil bit of ur time...not that i wanted to write smthin for the blog,but whatever will be inscribed below,has happened today in the evening with me so i thought of sharing it with u all....addition to this,this post is a bit different frm wat i had been writtin b4 ...hope i dn't get u bored...i've written it in a poetic manner,so its got a lil longer]


Lying on my bed,
With the coffee next to me….

Minutes later,
The cup gets empty and I switch on my system which starts playin Beethoven’s,“Mir ist so wuderbar” (quartet) fidelio.
The music,is haunting and is keeping my thinking alive,

alive enough to get suffocated by what its doin to me…
I get carried away but I still havn’t stopped thinking….

But thinking bout what? It’s vague,but yes I can feel the moment, that I’m thinking in,

The moment is talking to me…

It talks,
And talks to me ardently bout how beautiful the moment is,

And how love can make someone even more beautiful…to which I ignore,not knowing why…

Thinking then,
Thinking now,
I just keep thinking bout various things and yet they r still so indistinguishable…
But suddenly my phone rings…

I pick it up and this smile comes on to my face without knowin the caller’s identity.
Thinking bout whether is the same person that I was thinking bout to wich I cudn’t decide of wat I was thinking bout…but then,that smile that came upon, wilts away…

The caller is the person who calls me often expressin his love to me and askin me to accept it…


Seconds later,he’s still on the phone waiting for my reply,but I’m speechless,not that I’m thrilled to hear for I shud be,but dn’t know why it died away, that excitement ,to be in love…
I go blank not knowin wat to say,for I’m indecisive for my heart is telling me..For what am I craving for…and if its there in front me with the proposal,I just cn’t decide…

I instantly go blank….just blank..

Something that I always wanted, to be with someone, but ignorance overpowers it leavin me uncertain of wat I want…so,another time,I refuse his love and the phone hangs up on me…telling me how cruel I am to someone who loves me so much,but how do I explain that its my weakness that’s takin control of me….

Weakness of not being able to decide of wat i want.....

“why did I do that?”, I ask myself that question again and again,but alas!!its ends up with no reason at all…

the same music is playin,and I try to divert my attention…..
I lie on my bed,tryin to read smthin,but my eyes are set on the string of shells which are hangin infront of my curtain that a dear frnd of mine gifted to me…

that red curtain with lil yellow flowers on it…how pretty it looks with that string hangin and the darkness of the evening set behind that window,with the curtain on…

They all dance to the music,the string of shells,the red curtain and the dark evening…they seem to be happy and thus,are dancing …and so does the peacock's feather which is touchin the curtain…
it amazes me,for everything that the music is touchin, are dancing...
right from the shell to the foot of the feather…
to me,it looks like they all are dancing for celebration…celebration to wat…”they r dancing cos they are in love…for everythin that touches them,are touched with love,the beauty of love.”this is wat the moment tells me,when whisperin into my ignorant ears…

I stand infront of the mirror,observing myself..seein if there’s anything that’s touchin me too…the hair that’s hanging down my shoulder,the tear drop that’s comin frm the corner of my eye,my senses that’s touchin my skin….

the soul that’s touchin my heart…

I’ve been ignorin for days…but how cud I do it now…for I’m standin infront of own self…my reflection that’s staring back at me with no hatredness but with smthin that’s makin me look more beautiful…the smile comes again…but again,I cn’t reason out why…

But when that person calls again,minutes later,thinking I have an answer after that lil break…that smile…..it fades…fades away in the aura of moment that was speakin to me…to wich I cud sense I was enjoyin the most..that ecstasy that got into me and got me high…far above the ground,that almost got my wings out.and when I was bout flap them,it got cut….with the sound of the phone and then of the caller’s voice….
He asked me again to contemplate on smthin that I was refusing….

and there....once again,I lost out to my strength,cudn’t gather my own-self….the agony of the blankness got over…..takin control of me…but still had no reason to all this mess that was comin instantly,and ended up sayin that I cn’t decide….not indecisive on whether to accept his love or not,but indeicisve on wat my heart wants….
I sketch then....but if only I cud sketch wat I want….what I desire for….

but unfortunately,my imagination betrays me and so does my skill for I’m not all that gr8 in sketchin…
funny,ironically funny…

feelings...extinct...are gradually becomin.......PERPETUAL!!!!!

17 Comments:

Blogger desperado said...

never had the courage to be myself
to do actually what was best
never had the confidence in me
waited for others to tell me
never had the strength
to be what i was
and what i really wanted
maybe i can change
and decide for once
not get caught in indecision's curse

---- thts my state
r u in a similar one??
hope u come out of it soon

n when u do tell me how u did it ;)

11:55 AM  
Blogger Random said...

The journey from pain to pleasure covers an insurmountable distance in an infinitesimal moment of time. You only have to want to travel.

12:19 PM  
Blogger TripleSix said...

@rash...
they say that life is a rollercoster...so enjoy!!!...
wat bout those who have a phobia or those who end up pukin....hmmm
give it a thought.....

@dhruv...
the first four lines dsn't define me...but the last 6 lines explain my sitution that i'm goin through right now,but still dsn't define me...i dn't go by wat others tell me to do.i do wat i feel like,but there are times when u get stuck and dn't know wich way to go..thats where i am..but soon i'll come up with the solution without someone's help...

when i will...i'll let u know...presently i'm listenin to some music to keep myself rejuvinated for the nxt curvy turn..u can try that too..
take care,pal

12:40 PM  
Blogger Random said...

you can be afraid or sick, but life is not going to stop for you. so sure, puke, be afraid, be whimsical, but nonetheless, live.

12:52 PM  
Blogger Jithu said...

the fun i felt in ur blog went out for some reason. may be because of the gloomy nature of this post.. sometimes decisions in life may be tough to take and also crucial. take ur time, decide on it, and be back to the previous mood girl! :-)

1:41 PM  
Blogger Arz000n said...

Alright...this was pretty loooong post fro ur side...and yes I had enough patience and music in my ears to read it till the end.

btw, Im listening to "Choti choti raatein..." from TUM BIN...so kinda went good with your post...

Okie...
Its high time you need to channelise your thoughts...
first, think about whtever relation ship you have with this proposing-friend of yours...think hows its gonna be improtant for you in future if you commit.

Something that I always wanted, to be with someone,
This speaks out in itself...so its the right time, take your decision. Dont keep things hanging...coz oppurtunity knocks the door only once. You are lucky, it knocked...I mean ringed twice on the same day.

The caller is the person who calls me often expressin his love to me
This says its multiple times...
You are one lucky lady :)

I lost out to my strength,cudn’t gather my own-self
Comeon this is height of laziness..

Good luck on whtever decision you gonna take...but better think about wht its going to be, rather than standing in front of the mirror and trying to observe whts touching you.

Take care...and Greetz!!

4:37 AM  
Blogger D'yer Mak'er said...

...then why don't you manage with that caller...after all...everyone of us is god's creation!!!....He made 'em with equal attention.....so technically speakin..he's provided with all the facilities..that you'll get in anyone else...so why not him....just for a moment..wear His shoes....n' you'll definitely feel...everyone deserves everyone...after all that's how He intended it!!!..but enough of this crap...that indecisive plight was really very lucid.

p.s. by the way...who is this "self" that writes such beautiful pieces in your blog....you don't mention anythin about the "self" ...apart from the "self-written" tag!!!!

8:49 AM  
Blogger D'yer Mak'er said...

but the most beautiful part in that piece was the title of the pic--"not me".

8:53 AM  
Blogger TripleSix said...

@rash...
well i guess ur right...

@jithu...
i'll be back...really soon,pal!!!

@arz000n...
i guess i have taken my final decision...can't let of my space...and i know i've been selfish..but everyone is at some point or the other...

@stranger...
all the poems wich has a tag"self-written" are actually written by me,but there more like my alter egos...these poems help express my inner feelings...whereas the wrld see my exterior...

i guess this not the right time for me to fall in this trap(love)...can't let go off myself right now...cos i have my own shit to deal with..wich hasn't left me till now....now i dn't want anymore domestic problems...so i'll like to give some time to it...till the time i feel that i'm ready and my energy is revitalised to got through another round of problems to deal with...

thnk for the criticism..."that indecisive plight was really very lucid."....atleast ur honest...though a lil harsh,but then there's a sayin,"sach hamesha kadwa hota hai!!"...but it wasn't all that bitter to me...cos i had that same notions bout myself too...so dear that was a stale comment...lol

[but the most beautiful part in that piece was the title of the pic--"not me"]----wat so beautiful bout it...?

12:54 PM  
Blogger MS said...

:)

2:42 PM  
Blogger Arz000n said...

Ohhh boy :(

1:37 AM  
Blogger Mirage said...

Hey nika how r u doin? Is everything ok? U knw sometimes i just feel like thrashing tht fella for makin u feel like this. But u knw what...u gotta make a decision honey...and fast. Dont leave him hangin in the middle...just say whts on ur mind. And dont think abt right or wrong...think abt urself for once. Cheer up girl! n take care! *hugs*

6:43 AM  
Blogger TripleSix said...

@mirage...
i feel like thrashin him too,not bcos he's not understandin me..but cos in spite of tellin him that i'm not interested,he still calls me,frequently..almost fucked my brains out...
thnx for the support,esp for thrashin him...lol

2:30 PM  
Blogger khelnayak said...

Beautifully written. *Nothing new in that*

Dont know if i am the right person to comment but deep down there u know for sure if u truly love the fella or not. Take your time and i am sure u will find your answer. All the best.

And i remember the line from that movie..kya yahi pyaar hain....*hope i am correct*
Love is a part of life, not heart of life. :)

7:04 AM  
Blogger milo said...

niks..u hav expressed it all..but u cant say 'i love u' to someone fr whom u hav no such feelings.
dnt think that u r being greedy rather u being fair to him n to ur own self.
ask him fr once,, will it wrk fr him if u say, i love u, just fr d heck of it .. n play with his emotions ?? u only knw wat u feel n wat u dnt?
soo dont take tension..chk out ur heart a/c n chill;-)

7:19 AM  
Blogger TripleSix said...

@khelnayek..
no..i'm definately not in love anyone...but i am with myself....lol

@milo..
thnk for that advice...but its no use...cos i'll be the one feelin shit bout it....he hasn't called yet,so i guess...he's got wat i'm tryin to say...if he calls again,i'll tell him i'm married now...hahahahaha

11:35 AM  
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10:29 PM  

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