what's there.............

right now,i'm sitting at the cyber cafe trying to write my point of view of how fucked up my mind can get...i dn't mean how i behave n treat others whiche requires me to overlook at what other's have to say about....i care a damn for tht....

i dn't know how far i can write about what i feel about my MIND...there's lot of noise, i am not too comfortable writting about myself..[as u must have seen in most of my blogs...it's always in a disguise...the poetry form....call me another bobby long..though he manages to come out,i dn't know if i will...but i'm reluctant to do so..cos i'm happy n satisfied "strangled" within myself...

i might just write another version of this...which might be a darker form of the stuff tht i'm writting to u now....i can't even guarantee if at all i'll writting about the mind,n how conflicting it can get with u alone....i think it is somethin tht one should be afraid of than anything else....it gives a wider picture of everythin nd anythin whoch can be really hard to avoid....

in some corner of my heart,it's not just because i want to write anythin at all,no matter how gibbersih it sounds,but i'm doing this because i have made a semi-promise to someone tht i will write somethin cos he enjoyed reading whatever i have write and it's time i should try n be more candid about myself....Mr. K (i dn't want to reveal the name...u r like the treasure tht i have found like Dante from Monte Cristo...n i'm a selfish person who isn't ready to share this with anyone....it's a crazy form of selfishness tht i have pssessed n i have no regrets of being one....lol)

for tht phone call n what u have offered to me,along with some great advice,i knew i owed u somethin,esp after tht night when i talked so stupidly,half-drunked, n u let me spoke inspite of it....this is what i have written(just random stuff) as a note of gratitude to u...

i know it's been so long since i have visited my own blog n actually cared to write somethin...i just don't know what happened to me....i wanted to run away from everythin...underwent depression...stirred paranoia within my system....everythin went wrong n i could have written it down here...but the minute i tried,whenever i could,it just didn't work out...it became more n more uneasy for me....

now uneasiness is landing again....so before i give up on my patience to write somethin..i think i can share a dream with u all tht i get often...the only thing i'm scared of....jesus on the cross.....

weird right!!!

yes,i am scared of him...i dn't think the fear exists....i tried to fight with it...there are remanants of it,but i know it'll gradually go....the fear will soon wan...

but the dream......

everynight,almost infact, i used to get this picture of him...i can't say if it's a dream...u could say what i imagined it to be....

i'll share one incident with u all...

months ago, there was this time at 2 in the night(i hate sleeping early...but i wake up early too..lol) i was reading my book..can't remember which one..i think it was bob dylan's chronicle....whatever......

i used to imagine hearing some kind of roar with amix of yell n heavy n painfull cry coming out of my kitchen....i wouldn't even dare to get back..with just a lil turn of my head, i would see a huge cross (say 30-40ft) with jesus on it....all wet,his hair and a lil piece of cloth covering his waist in a tattered conditiong...almost torn....the whole picture of this would be in a scary colour format tht would make it hrd for u to breathe..a mix of dirty yellow,darkest form of grey n goldenish dark green..probably a linning of it....the whole colour impact had a sense of claustrophobic ambience to it....n there i can see him with his eyes closed as the cross drags itself out of the kitchen and it's raining massively on it....n suddenly the eyes open with the speed of the seconds' hand of the clock...just the way it goes..tick-tick....n he 's yelling at me in anger n disgust with every molecule of his body n system charging with tht sound of tht pain of revenge.....

i used to get the same thing in my dreams..infact,the only thing tht came...i never had any dreams....i remember how it used to make it impossible for me to get up while i watch him being nailed....the close-up of the nail going through it....i never could get up...the minute i hear the thud n lil cry of pain and before it gets aggravated, i would just fight with my dream to just wake up before i see anything worse happening.....n then i'm out of breadth and motionless on the bed while i try n stare out of my window only to revive my senses n my state of being tht i'm out of tht horrible sight....

but now it's gone....the dream,the fear..the imagination....everything has gone....i'm really happy to see tht,but i'm not completely happy without it...i dn't know y.....whenever somethin wrong happens to u,don't u think u feel tht u r better off with it than living like most of the individuals do....tht dream sort of outstood my being alone,i quite liked it though i hated the way i used to get paranoid about it....now i feel tht there's somethin tht i really miss about myself....

anyhow,i think i should take leave...it's become a bit too much now....infact,i'm really happy tht i wrote somethin....a nice form of self-transition after talkin to Mr. K....thnk u.....

[hey...this doesn't mean i have stopped writting poems....i have one ready...but i won't post tht now....LATER]